Self Conscious

photo via Savvy in San Francisco

On Saturday, my Oldest took a major spill off his razor, which led to scraping off his forehead, chin and entire nose, two fat lips and a chipped tooth (which was permanent I might add!).  It was a pretty nasty fall and when I heard the scream come from him, I knew it was not okay.  His face was all bloody and he couldn't stop screaming.  And yes, just because I know some might be wondering, he was wearing a helmet.

For all the anxiety I have about things that COULD happen, I have a weird sense of calm when things actually happen.  I was totally mellow when it came to getting him home, cleaning up his wounds, calling the Pediatrician and Dentist, and putting him back together.  I thought to myself, hey, this is boys!  We have escaped injury for a while so something was bound to happen.  And there were no stitches or broken bones so that was a huge plus.  Granted we are going to have to watch the sun to ensure there is no scarring and he is going to need to bond his tooth and take it easy for a bit but really, in the grand scheme of life, this was minor.

Little did I know my anxiety would come from something else.

The night of the fall my Oldest took a look at himself in the mirror and said, "Oh my gosh, my face.".  The next morning, he did not say a word as we headed out to church and kept his head down the entire mass.  Considering I usually have to break up the talking between him and his brother, this was definitely out of character.  Friends came up to him to see how he was doing and other children that we don't know asked if he was okay, simply out of kindness.  My Oldest ignored them all, dropped his head and didn't respond.  I was surprised by this behavior until it hit me.  He was self conscious about the way he looked and my heart instantly hurt.

Suddenly the injuries that I thought were "not the worst thing that could happen" became AWFUL and I wanted them gone so he wouldn't feel this way.

At some point in life, we are all going to be self conscious about something.  Unfortunately it is human nature to worry about what other people think.  I still do at times though I wish I didn't.  This was my first time really seeing one of my children feel self conscious over the way they look.  Once he was all cleaned up I never thought about the fact that he wouldn't want people to see him with his injuries.  It made me sad and anxious that he was feeling this way and there was nothing I could do.  

Who knew the self conscious stage would come.  I mean, I knew it would, I was just not ready for that part yet.  This is an entirely new stage of parenting that seems really hard.  I don't want my children to feel self conscious!  But they will, because like I said, I do.  Ugh.

Over the last couple of days, as his wounds begin to heal and he is becoming used to the injuries, my Oldest is returning to his old self.  But I know this is not going to be the last time he is self conscious about something and I know there are going to be times that I know about it and other times I don't.  I mean, isn't this the entire teenage years?!  I just hope that I am instilling in all three of my children self confidence so that as they get older, and these situations become more prevalent, they have the confidence not to care.  Crossing all my fingers....and all my toes....