Wednesday, May 22, 2013

HOPE (less) or (ful)

Worry.  Fear.  Anxiety.

Yes, I know that you are all aware that I have anxiety and that I continue to work on coping with it.  That is old news.  This is a different side of anxiety.  Ninety nine percent of the time, I think that my anxiety is something that is irrational and not always necessary, and I work on that.  Then there is the one percent.

One percent of the time, life hits me like a truck and I realize that for all the times I try to not feel anxious, sometimes I am justified to feel as much as I want.  How could I not?  I am a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter and a friend.  When events like Oklahoma occur, the reality that I could lose someone that means so much to me smacks me in the face.  Of course I feel sadness for those affected, but I am not going to lie.  The feeling also turns selfish, making me think about how terrible it would be if that were me, or my child, or my parent, or my friend.  I wish it didn't, but it is human nature.  You can't fight it.

The truth is, I am scared of these types of situations.  9/11, Newtown, Hurricane Sandy, the Boston Marathon, the Cincinnati abductions, Texas and Oklahoma.  This actually makes me sad that it only took seconds to list all these without thinking about it.  These are only a few that bring an anxiety of loss that I cannot fight and feel completely justified with having.  Will I change my life?  No.  Will I let this affect who I am?  No.  But for once, I am allowing myself to be anxious and not telling myself to "stop it".  Life is scary sometimes.  It just is.

I know that anything can happen.  I know that someone I have today may not be here tomorrow.  I know, thanks to my faith, that this is not the end.  I know all of this.  But it doesn't mean loss doesn't scare me.

I can't be the only one who feels this way right?  Anyone else?  

It is a funny thing this adulthood isn't it?  When I look at my children, they do not see the possibility of loss, hurt, and pain.  They enjoy each day as if it could be their last, without even knowing it.  They love unconditionally and they celebrate the little things.  I wish I had the ability to always see things this way.

For those affected by the disaster in Oklahoma, please know that many are thinking about you and your families.  The strength and support the community has shown is something to live up to.  The prayers will not end.

And for those of us who are watching this all unfold, tearing up at the loss and thinking about the many "what if's" in our lives, may we have some peace, learning from the example we see from these communities who cope with loss with immeasurable strength and grace, and feel HOPEFUL instead of HOPELESS.


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