Mr. Anxiety and Me

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It has been a long time since I have said anything about my anxiety.

This doesn't mean that it is gone, or that I am over it or that it is not any less important in my life.  

I guess the reason I haven't said much about it is because I have been fortunate enough that it has not really affected me lately.

And so I say nothing.

But then I realized that perhaps these are the moments that I should say something about it because right now my head is clear.  So often, when I am having terrible anxiety, my only focus is how much I do not like it and what I should do to get through it.  I never really take a step back and see what has changed over the last two and a half years since being diagnosed with anxiety.  What has changed regarding how I deal with things and how I have changed as a person.  

So now I will say something.  

When anxiety hits, it is awful.  Anyone who suffers from it will tell you that it feels terrible and sucks the joy right out of you as you wait, expecting something terrible to happen.  It is no way to live life yet it is so hard to break free from.  I would not wish it upon anyone.

But there is a positive to it.

Yes, I said a positive side to anxiety.

And that is the lessons you learn about yourself as you become stronger in your will to not be anxious.

Anxiety, as much as I hate it, has made me look at myself and the way I live life and really made me decide who I want to be.

Thanks to anxiety, my faith is stronger than it has ever been.  Though I was raised Catholic, I do not believe I have truly been Catholic until this past year.  My faith has become my rock when fighting this and I am so grateful that something brought me so close to something I was missing.  I have also given up the need for control, independence and perfection.  I no longer feel the need to control everything around me, accepting that I can't.  I depend on my husband more than anyone but I also depend on my friends and family, knowing that I cannot make it through life on my own.  And perfection is unattainable, no matter how hard you try.  I am more open about my shortcomings, understanding that we all have them.  I find time to pray, go to yoga, take a bath and re-center, knowing that "me time" is important, even if some days it is extremely short.  And I am stronger.  With every moment of anxiety that I work through, I realize the power I have and it brings a confidence that was never there before.  

So I guess what I am saying is, I am a happier person with anxiety than I was before the anxiety hit.  

Sounds crazy I know, but sometimes it is the thorn in our side that begins to define who we want to be, how we want to live and what we are not going to let get us down.

There are so many people that deal with so many things that I cannot imagine experiencing in life.  I look up to these people with so much admiration, thinking to myself that I would never be able to handle their circumstance as well as they do.  Life tends to put everything into perspective.  My issue is a small one, and if this is the biggest thing I need to deal with in life, then I have been fortunate.

So perhaps anxiety is not that bad.... who am I kidding.  It is terrible.

But I will always keep my glass half full.