Mr. Anxiety and Me

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It has been a long time since I have said anything about my anxiety.

This doesn't mean that it is gone, or that I am over it or that it is not any less important in my life.  

I guess the reason I haven't said much about it is because I have been fortunate enough that it has not really affected me lately.

And so I say nothing.

But then I realized that perhaps these are the moments that I should say something about it because right now my head is clear.  So often, when I am having terrible anxiety, my only focus is how much I do not like it and what I should do to get through it.  I never really take a step back and see what has changed over the last two and a half years since being diagnosed with anxiety.  What has changed regarding how I deal with things and how I have changed as a person.  

So now I will say something.  

When anxiety hits, it is awful.  Anyone who suffers from it will tell you that it feels terrible and sucks the joy right out of you as you wait, expecting something terrible to happen.  It is no way to live life yet it is so hard to break free from.  I would not wish it upon anyone.

But there is a positive to it.

Yes, I said a positive side to anxiety.

And that is the lessons you learn about yourself as you become stronger in your will to not be anxious.

Anxiety, as much as I hate it, has made me look at myself and the way I live life and really made me decide who I want to be.

Thanks to anxiety, my faith is stronger than it has ever been.  Though I was raised Catholic, I do not believe I have truly been Catholic until this past year.  My faith has become my rock when fighting this and I am so grateful that something brought me so close to something I was missing.  I have also given up the need for control, independence and perfection.  I no longer feel the need to control everything around me, accepting that I can't.  I depend on my husband more than anyone but I also depend on my friends and family, knowing that I cannot make it through life on my own.  And perfection is unattainable, no matter how hard you try.  I am more open about my shortcomings, understanding that we all have them.  I find time to pray, go to yoga, take a bath and re-center, knowing that "me time" is important, even if some days it is extremely short.  And I am stronger.  With every moment of anxiety that I work through, I realize the power I have and it brings a confidence that was never there before.  

So I guess what I am saying is, I am a happier person with anxiety than I was before the anxiety hit.  

Sounds crazy I know, but sometimes it is the thorn in our side that begins to define who we want to be, how we want to live and what we are not going to let get us down.

There are so many people that deal with so many things that I cannot imagine experiencing in life.  I look up to these people with so much admiration, thinking to myself that I would never be able to handle their circumstance as well as they do.  Life tends to put everything into perspective.  My issue is a small one, and if this is the biggest thing I need to deal with in life, then I have been fortunate.

So perhaps anxiety is not that bad.... who am I kidding.  It is terrible.

But I will always keep my glass half full.  

Silence

How do you feel about silence?  I find the idea of "silence" interesting.  On one hand, there are days when I crave silence.  When all three kids are running crazy, our calendars are overbooked and it seems I cannot get anything done, all I want is some peace and quiet.  Then, when the children are in bed, the house is cleaned up and the hubby is out of town, I absolutely hate the quiet.  In fact, through self examination, silence actually brings on my anxiety and scares me from time to time, especially at night.  How can something I crave so much at times bring on such a terrible feeling once I have it?

Through further self examination, I laugh at how often I actually try to avoid silence.  I instinctively turn on the radio in the car, make a phone call or turn on the television at night.  For example, I purposely turned on the television to write this post, even though I am not watching the television at all.  My hubby is at a dinner and the kids are asleep so who wants to sit at a computer hearing the house settle alone?  Apparently not me.  And I am not going to even tell you how uncomfortable I get when I wake up in the middle of the night, the hubby is out of town and the entire house is silent.  I am not going to lie.  I HATE IT.

I think I have just become too comfortable with noise.  I can remember a time when I enjoyed having all the roommates in college out so that I could rest in my room.  I also remember when the hubby was getting his MBA and I would savor my alone time with a bath, brownie and glass of wine.  Since having children though, my moments of silence became few and far between and suddenly moments that seemed so peaceful and relaxing became stressful and worrisome.

Since I have now come to the understanding that silence and I do not work well together right now, I have decided to work on it.  I want to return to enjoying that quiet time I used to love so much.  And the truth is, when overcoming the uncomfortableness of silence, it can be incredibly calming.  It allows you to actually put your thoughts in order, and if you are religious in anyway, it provides you an opportunity to focus your thoughts and prayers towards something good.  It provides solace and self reflection that allows you to cope with life and its challenges in ways that chaos doesn't.  It is truly important for us to find the silence in our life and embrace it.  I know this.  I just need to keep telling myself this.

I am guessing I am not the only one who feels this way but perhaps I am wrong.  

Are you okay with silence?

If you are at all interested in hearing more about my anxiety (because it is fascinating, I know) click here, here, or here. 

Sir, this is not your room!

I have anxiety.  We all know this.

Well, that is not true.  If you are new to visiting you haven't been lucky enough to read about my anxiety but you can catch up quickly here and here.

But back to my anxiety.

Here is word for word what I said to my hubby prior to leaving for my business trip to Las Vegas last week.

"My biggest fear traveling alone is someone trying to break into my hotel room."

This is extremely typical of me (I am a worst case scenario type of person) so my hubby responds with "Babe, that is not going to happen".

Fast forward to Thursday morning at 4am when I am woken from deep sleep with someone trying to open my hotel room door.  I , LEAP, JUMP  FLEW out of bed and ran to the peephole to find one man trying to get into my room with a hotel key with another one standing next to him.

Here is our conversation...

ME: "Excuse me, this is not your room"

HIM: "Yes it is"

ME: "Um no, it isn't"

He continues to try to use the key

ME: "SIR, THIS IS NOT YOUR ROOM!"

HIM: I am not Sir, I am ___ and this is my room

Obviously this man was drunk and was completely avoiding the fact that my voice was coming from inside the room so I ran to my phone and called hotel security.  

I have to give it to Vegas for having amazing security because three people were surrounding him (other guy had apparently gone to his own room) within 2 minutes (if that) asking him questions, checking his ID and the room card he was using.  Apparently this guy was too drunk, was actually three rooms down and they escorted him to his room while I was moved to a completely different room on a completely different floor.

Nothing like roaming a Vegas hotel in your pajamas with a suitcase at 5am.

Might I note that this is all after having a panic attack on the plane for the first time ever and trying to maintain a "I am a successful, confident business woman" while I was FREAKING OUT on the inside.

Moral of the story?

My anxiety is alive and well and thanks to the A-hole trying to get into my room, it had peaked for a few days following.

It is okay though because it taught me two things.  One, I learned that when something I am extremely scared of happening actually does, I handle it like I should and do not completely freak out.  Therefore, I should not be so scared.  And two, my anxiety is going to peak at moments (like on the plane) that I cannot explain or control but I can make it through it.

Win win for me, right?

There you have it.

Crazy story right?

He Did It

I have mentioned my anxiety issues a couple of times on the blog (if you missed it, click here and here) but haven't ever mentioned my Middle Man.  While going through my therapy (yep, still going, and I always will, without a doubt), my therapist said that since I have anxiety, there is a high chance one of my children will as well.  The signs that she began to mention described my Middle Man to a T.  Terrible sleep habits, tantrums before school and at the dentist, crying at birthday parties, and basically, constant fears about so many things.  I always say things happen for a reason and I truly believe that my anxiety became unbearable, simply to push me to get help and allow me to open my eyes to what my son was dealing with.  I think otherwise, I would have completely overlooked it and would have just thought he was my "difficult one".


After speaking to a number of doctors, my hubby and I were referred to a therapist who deals specifically with children who have high anxiety.  At our first meeting with him, he actually mentioned that is it rare that he sees 4 year olds as most times, parents do not notice the problem until about 7 or 8 (again, thank goodness I had my own issues and could see it in him).  Because of his age, he felt that the only "therapy" we could really give our Middle Man was to force him to face his fears and help him realize that they were not so scary after all.  This meant allowing him to completely freak out (a.k.a tantrums, crying, screaming, etc.) and never remove him from the situation, so that he realized that once he calmed down, it was not so scary.  Let me say this.  It is REALLY hard being the parent that has a child freaking out and you do nothing, immediately calling upon opinions by other parents that 1. they are so happy that is not how their child acts and 2. how can those parents just sit there like this while he behaves this way?  I know we shouldn't think about what other people think but sometimes it is hard.


Regardless of the judgement, we both committed to doing this and over the past few weeks it has started to make such a difference.  Here are just a few examples.


1. After crying at his first few games of baseball (which mind you, he was SO excited to play), by the end of the season he played all innings and walked away having the time of this life.


2. After 4 years of not getting his teeth cleaned at the dentist, he officially sat through a cleaning this week.  He was extremely hesitant at first but thanks to patience from the office, he did it.  I could not believe it.


3. After coming to our room every single night for as long as I can remember, we began bringing him back to his room each time he came in, talking through what is scaring him and left him to fall back asleep.  The first night we were awake from 12:30am to 4:15am.  Last night, he only came in twice and immediately went back to sleep both times.


These small steps may seem like nothing to some but the confidence that I am seeing in him is incredible.  It is definitely going to be a hard road for both him and us as I know for every step forward there are sometimes steps backward.  That is okay though.  Because every time I see him accomplish something that he was afraid of, the smile on his face is ABSOLUTELY AMAZING.

Sanity Check In

As a heads up, this photo has nothing to do with this post.  But it makes me laugh.

Food all over her clothes and face, insisting she sucks on the lime.

This is what was captured and it makes me smile.

But back to the sanity part.

Remember this post on what I would like to call my "33 Year Old Mid Life Crisis"?  I thought I would update you all so that it does not seem like I brushed it under the rug.  Yes, I know there are way more fun things to talk about but shockingly, my life isn't all shoes and fashion designers.  Can you believe it?!  But back to the anxiety.  The good news is that even though I have not been talking about it, I have been working on it.

First of all, I have gotten SO much better at letting things go.  House a little messy?  I am over it.  Laundry piling up.  Oh well.  In the end, it all gets done, but I am just not consumed by my perfection.  With three kids and a hubby, it is just not possible.  I also take more baths, plan more date nights, don't cook dinner every night and get out with girlfriends when I can.  Most importantly, I have stayed committed to seeing my therapist and it has made all the difference in the world.  She is pretty amazing and I cannot tell you how nice it is to have someone to go to (now once a month) where I can just LET IT ALL OUT.  I should have been doing this a LOOOOONG time ago.

I am not saying the anxiety is gone.  In fact, it is still well and present.  The good thing is, I am controlling it and not letting it control me.  BIG DIFFERENCE.  I feel like I know myself so much better now and have the confidence that this is only a bump in the road of life.  We all have our things right?

So there you have it.  A little update.

On a less serious but quite awesome note, PBSKids SoCal asked me a few weeks back to guest blog and of course I said yes!  Who doesn't love PBS (duh, Sesame Street)?!  Click here to read about the challenge they gave my picky eaters!