Change

When I started Juggling in Heels my daughter was almost one, I had somewhat adjusted to having three children and I was looking for a way to express myself in ways that my career wasn't allowing.  I had always loved to write and blogging seemed like an easy way to have an outlet without having to commit to too much.  I laugh now, thinking how little of a commitment I thought it was going to be and then realizing I was really creating my fourth child.

My daughter has just turned four and here we are, three years later, sitting in a position that I never could have foreseen when I first checked to see if the JUGGLING IN HEELS domain was even available.  I have had the opportunity to work with and get to know incredible retailers, designers, owners, and bloggers.  I have made commercials, created videos and done photo shoots.  I have written for publications and have been recognized in numerous ways for my blog.  In all honesty, it has been NUTS and completely unexpected.

I think that after all these years, I have finally come to a place where I feel truly committed to this.  I have always wanted Juggling in Heels to be a place that moms and moms-to-be can come to chat fashion, design and food, but also share in our challenges and successes.  I feel that it has become this and I am extremely grateful for that.  Just like my daughter, Juggling in Heels has grown up.   

And with a little age comes a new look.

Yes, Juggling in Heels is getting a facelift.

Not only I have done a complete redesign with the help of the fabulous people at Yellow & Savvy Design but we are also transitioning my blog from blogger to wordpress.  This entire process began in February and I am so excited that we are at the final steps.  For this reason, the blog will be on hiatus over the next few days as the transition begins.  You won't be hearing from me but I promise you, it will be worth it as I am so excited for what we have created and I think you are going to find the entire site more accessible, a cleaner look and easier to move through.  This illustration is a little treat of what is to come, compliments of the incredible Lauren at Lauren Taylor Creates  

While I am off the blog, I will still be posting to Instagram, Twitter and Facebook.  You cannot get rid of me completely!

Thank you for supporting me from day one and I can't wait to see what is to come.

See you soon!

A Mother

Mother

"A mother (or mum/mom/mam) is a woman who has raised a child, given birth to a child, and/or supplied the egg which in union with a sperm grew into a child.  Because of the complexity and difference's of a mother's social, cultural, and religious definition and role, it is challenging to specify a universally acceptable definition for the term."

I am sorry Wikipedia but you are missing a ton in this definition.

A mother is also someone who has sacrificed her prior life for the love of a child, not being able to ever put into words what that love really feels like or what it means, only that it has changed her, forever. No longer is a mother concerned for herself but is willing to travel to the ends of the earth in order to protect her child.  She develops the ability to comfort her child in ways that she never knew she could do, as she realizes that their pain is her pain.  She has also learned that her child will provide more comfort to her than she ever realized they could.  A mother realizes that though having an infant is hard, it is not nearly as hard as seeing them grow up.  A mother watches her child move through life, praying each day that they find happiness.  A mother is always a mother.  She can never go back because...    

A mother is a woman who has been transformed by her child.

When I became a mom 9 1/2 years ago, I had no idea what this experience would truly be like.  The ups and downs of parenting are something you cannot explain, yet something you cannot image living life without.  Some days are hard.  Really hard.  But those days are always overshadowed by how much I love my kids.  Their laugh, their hugs, their smiles.  Life doesn't get any better than this.

To all the moms out there, cheers to you.  Cheers to all the laughs, the cries, the struggles, the triumphs. Cheers to knowing that we are all going through this together.  Cheers to those who are new parents, those whose children have moved out of the home and to those in between. 

I wish all moms everywhere a very Happy Mother's Day.

Sometimes we are wrong

Excuse me while I get a little personal on the blog today.

Yesterday I went to Confession for the first time in 20 years.

If you were to ask me why it has taken so long, I could give you a laundry list of reasons.  In fact, I probably developed every excuse possible to convince myself that there really was no need for me to go, therefore spending years without even considering it.  

The truth was though, that I was just scared.

Scared to accept and tell someone else that perhaps I do things that are just not right sometimes.  Scared of what they would say.  Scared of what they might think.  

Just scared.

Then I realized that I expect this out of my children every day but never hold myself accountable for the same thing.

When my children do something wrong that I did not see, the first thing I say is "What happened?"  or "What did you do?".  I then expect a nine, six and three year old to comfortably outline all things they just did wrong.  Instead of a simply stated response, I receive eyes that won't look at me, a voice that I can hardly hear and a hung head.  At this point I will continue to tell them that they need to tell me what happened or there are going to be consequences.  I push them to open up, explain to me the situation and what they did.  I do not allow them to hide from what they did, understanding that only by them acknowledging that what they did was wrong will they learn from their mistakes and think twice about doing it again.  

Makes perfect sense.

We all do things that are wrong sometimes.  It is human nature.  No one is perfect and we all know this.  But how often do we speak out and acknowledge that some of the decisions we have made are not the best ones to someone else?  Our children have to, everyday, but we seem to hold ourselves to a different expectation.  

And you know what the crazy part is?

It feels wonderful.

No wonder children can move on from doing something wrong and never think twice about it again.  They have admitted it to us, understand that they should not have done it and know that this does not define who they are.  The weight of the entire situation is gone in a second.  

What I discovered yesterday is that even though the things that I do wrong seem to be things that I feel I can move on from, they were weighing me down without knowing it.  

I don't like that I judge people sometimes.  I don't like that the hubby and I fight.  I don't like that I have hurt people.  These are just a few things I mentioned but you get the picture.  It felt great acknowledging my weaknesses and wrongdoings.  It felt as is a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders and it also made me very aware of the little things I sometimes get wrapped up in that perhaps I need to stay away from (mom gossip anyone???).  I also acknowledge that though at times I can be weak, making the wrong decision, it doesn't define who I am.  

I am not writing this to send you all to Confession.  We all have our different faiths, beliefs and ideas and I am not here to change that.  I am simply saying we all sometimes need to just openly admit what we have done wrong, if not for anything but to make ourselves feel better, learning from our mistakes, and to think twice before we do it again.

Just like we try to teach our children.

Begin

And so I begin.

I wish I could offer you more than a simple note but the website redesign is well under way and I am currently going through all 800 posts I have written over the last few years and re-labeling them to match the exciting new pages that I am creating on the new site.  The ability to move through the website is going to be SO MUCH EASIER and I cannot wait to see it all come together.  I must spend the few hours I have today getting this done so I am going leave you simply with this quote.

So often we want to begin, but something holds us back.  

Fear.  Frustration.  Uncertainty.

But it really is simple isn't it?

To begin, is simply to begin.

Taking that first step may be the hardest, but the reward outweighs it all.

I challenge you all to begin something you have been wanting to do.

Can I promise it will work out?

Nope.

But I can promise that you will never regret trying, you will only regret not beginning.

Happy Monday.

How Much Do I Owe?

Let's go back to 1994.  I was a sophomore in High School and would make a steady income off of the neighborhood babysitting jobs at what I considered an amazing rate, $6.00/hour.  Flash forward to 2011 and what the hell happened?  I am now paying anywhere from $10 to $15 an hour for a 16 year old to watch my children.  And the term "watch" is used loosely.  Considering all three of my children are in bed within 30 minutes of their arrival, there is minimal "watching" that actually occurs.  After that it is a night of MTV, talking on their cell phone and eating my food.  I understand there are a number of factors that may have caused this increase (inflation really exists, I know), however, an increase of 150%?!  Regardless of what we are doing, there is always the additional $50-100 spent to ensure we are actually able to go.

The sad part of all of this?  I don't even care.  They could ask for $20 an hour and I would be willing to pay it.  Why?  Because if not for the babysitters, this mother would never get out of the house and would go insane.  End of story.  It is just too bad my FSA account won't approve my babysitting fees as a part of "Mental Health".

Pour Some Sugar On It

Sugar Coating.  One of the expectations of Mommyhood.  It is almost as if the first line in the handbook when you have your first child is "From this point on, you are only to speak about the good times.  Do not mention to others the part of this job that sucks".  I would like to think that I am honest about the ups and downs of being a mother but when I think back, I sugar coat a ton.  It is just what we do.  And why?  It helps no one.  If anything, it sets new moms up for when they have their first child, see how hard it is for them, assume they are the only ones feeling this way, and therefore they must be a terrible mom. 

The reality is, Mommyhood is rough.  Take getting pregnant.  Yes, you have a beautiful baby.  But that baby comes with 9 months of not being yourself.  Even with my easy pregnancies, I did not love being pregnant.  Anyone who says they love walking around with an extra 25-35 lbs, swollen limbs, and unrecognizable pains is lying.  Then the baby comes and you spend that first week wearing pads, rubbing your nipples with cream, sleeping in 1-2 hour increments, and feeding a baby that just seems to always be hungry.  And this is when the baby is easy.  I am not even going to go into the strength a mommy needs for a colicky baby.  Your first three months are a blur, you are a walking zombie and right when you feel like you are getting a handle on it, your hair starts falling out and your hips just don't seem to want to move back.  But what is the response when someone asks this mother how mommyhood is?  "Amazing!  I love it!  They are such a good baby".  I have yet to hear the response, "It is hard.  I am tired, my boobs hurt and even though I absolutely adore this child, there are days I just want to run away".

You are now all probably thinking I am a terrible mother.  I don't think that I am, but there are definitely days when I think having no children would be much easier than having three.  But then they say "I love you mommy" and all the frustrations seem to melt away and life feels pretty easy again.  That being said, I still think it is not fair to other moms when we are not honest with ourselves and don't share our trials and tribulations with parenting.  There is no award out there for Super Moms, we are all just trying to do the best we can.

Men, You Can Keep Polygamy all to Yourselves

With the success of the television series "Sister Wives" and "Big Love", polygamy is definitely getting a lot of attention.  I must admit, I have been intrigued by the wives who are actually willing to share their husband.  And what a gig he has.  Three (or more) women who raise his children, clean his house, do his laundry, cook him food and due to the rotation of intimacy, he gets sex every night of the week!  It is a dream come true for a man.  So I began thinking?  How come you never hear about women having three or more husbands?  Why are women not embracing this entire idea of polygamy?  I will tell you why.  Because it will make their lives hell.  Just imagine.  Not only would you have to clean, cook, and handle the sex drive of your current husband, but multiply that by three.  TERRIBLE.  I do not have time to take on more men.  One is enough!  Now another wife around here on the other hand..........I could definitely use some help with the laundry.

Remembering a Friend

April 12, 2007.  Four years ago today I lost a best friend.  I will always remember when I got the call.  I was sitting in the Reno airport waiting for our flight home from Tahoe when my other best friend called to say that we had lost her.  That day changed me forever.  I was 28 at the time and pregnant with my second son.  At that point in life, I had only lost grandparents, who had lived long, happy lives.  Death was something that did not affect me.  But this?  Losing a friend at 28 is not natural.  Your course is changed forever.  My mortality hit me in the face like a ton of bricks and my ignorance towards death was gone.  Those few days of the wake, the burial and the funeral are in my head so clear it seems as if they were yesterday.  Thinking about her makes me miss her more, and not thinking about her makes me realize that when someone is gone, life still goes on.  Neither of which makes me feel very good.  She will always be a piece of me and her laugh will never go away.  Four years and it is still hard.  We miss you RLI.  Always will.

Mommy, What is a Pagina?

Did my 3 year old just say what I think he said?  Yes, yes he did.  Apparently my three year old has learned a few words from his 6 year old brother and friends.  When he first said "Pagina" I corrected him and told him it was "Vagina".  He corrected me and told me I was wrong.  So we will go with it.  This is a tricky one.  Pagina is not a bad word, but how do you teach the difference to a three year old between how this word should be used and how it should not?  Right now, I am just trying to get him to not say it.  This has been a rather tough task.  Here are my top three favorite situations in which he has used this word:

Going to bed: Mommy, what is a pagina?  What is a butthole?

My reaction: Laughing (I was totally taken off guard and I could not help myself)

Walking through my Orthopedic doctor's office with an extremely loud voice: "Mommy, girls have a pagina and boys and girls have a butthole"

My reaction: Running out of that office with him and his sister as fast as I could.

Eating dinner with his brother and friends. He gets mad at them and says "You are paginas"

My reaction: This was done under the context of being mean so he was sent to timeout and warned that he is not to call someone this again or there will be soap in the mouth (seemed to work for my parents)

I am now currently on "pagina patrol", hoping that I do not hear this again.  In addition to pagina and butthole, here are some other fun words that continue to come out both of my boys mouth that I am trying to get a handle on: underpants, underwear, boobies, poo, pee.  

Raising boys is definitely an experience.....

I have him scared....

When I told my husband I wanted to start a blog, a real blog that did not sugar coat things, he was all for it.  He showed instant support, followed by the question, "What are you going to say about me?"  Oh he knows me too well.  He knows that me being honest means our marriage may not always be portrayed positively.  But what marriage would be?  If anyone tells me that their marriage is perfect, I just sit back and wait to hear about the divorce.  A perfect marriage is not possible.  To put him at ease, I will start off my blog by stating that I am married to a wonderful man.  He loves his wife and children and would do anything for us.  He can handle my insanity, never comments on my shopping and though we may have some full out brawls, I would never want to be married to anyone else.    And an added bonus to this man is that he is a great gift giver, as evidence by last year's 9 year anniversary present below: A signed pair of Manolo Blahnik shoes.  They are one of my most favorite things and (almost) too pretty to wear.

So whatever I may say throughout this blog, it is never with the intention that he is not the one for me.  Feel better hubby?

Why "Juggling in Heels"?

Because isn't that what we do?  As a mother and wife, I feel my entire day is about how effortlessly I can juggle my way through pure chaos.  Some days I am phenomenal, a super mom I would like to say.  And I will beam in my success.  Other days?  Well, on other days, the wine cannot be opened fast enough.  As for the heels, I can promise that I do not know how to actually juggle in them, but the title is my metaphor for the struggle women go through on a daily basis to be a mother and wife but still stay connected to who they were before they took on these roles.  I love the feeling of throwing off my flip flops and putting on a great pair of stilettos for a night out with my husband or friends.  I am instantly brought back to who I am without titles.  If you have not tried it in a while, look past the comfort zone of your flats and sandals and wear some amazingly high heels the next time you go out.  It feels amazing.

Here it goes.....

The Real Housewives of Orange County.  Oh what a show.  I really don't want to watch it but you almost cannot help yourself.  And every week I watch it I think to myself, that is nothing like me and my friends!  I mean, I currently do not have fake boobs and my hair is a dark brunette so right off the bat, I am not fitting the correct image.  But then, what is a real housewife of Orange County?  Hell if I know.  But it did get me thinking, maybe exposing yourself like that makes you more honest.  I have always loved to write, but between baseball games, school schedules, laundry, friends and family, there is no way the great American novel I planned on writing in college is going to be completed.  So, here we go with blog writing.  I will be honest and I will share the things I love, whether it is about my children, my husband or the hobbies that I still define as "me" (reading, shopping and dining).  Hopefully it is enjoyable, entertaining and you can all relate.  Welcome to the world of "Juggling in Heels".